My Hands Ache

My hands ache from an unrelenting pain, which coats my entire body. This pain that I have known for years shows no sign of parting, so I am left to accept it may never leave my side. Perhaps their company will mean I have someone to be with for the rest of my days.

7/07/57~When I was born. Accompanied.

I can vividly recall a time where I was completely alone from pain and was surrounded instead by those who I love. Friends, family, and colleagues all alike. Each and everyone there by my side to pick me up when I fell or sing to me when tears scattered my face. They taught me how to catch and throw with precision and a fierce fire in my belly. For these gifts, I loved them. I tell anyone these days to listen to their parents because you only realize their love when it’s far too late. Regardless, their gifts became my abilities, and I became a master of my very own craft. Whether it was hockey on ice or baseball on a rough diamond, I did it all. It didn’t matter to me. If it challenged me physically, I was up for any struggle that may come my way. I was unstoppable.

Sometime later… Still accompanied, but more independent.

There wasn’t a place I wouldn’t go. I had become familiar with every state in America and I knew South America as if it were my backyard. There was no limit to where I would go. My favourite was the mountains of the Americas. The grandness of their size fascinated me but never petrified my ability to scale them.

Soon after, I realized it was time to heed my parents words and work hard in my career. I was successful. Buying and selling companies to make a comfortable living for myself and my close family. I remember winning awards and being my own man. I had the ability to do as I pleased for years thanks to my sheer determination and inability to quit.

Finally…  a lot more alone than I would like to be.

Eventually, I soon realized that there are forces in life that no amount of willpower can defeat. No matter how hard I try to resist, it will persist for as long as it pleases. It is multiple sclerosis. An autoimmune disease, which weakens my central nervous system. Myelin is necessary for the transmission of nerve impulses through the human body, but MS attacks the myelin that lines my spinal cord and brain. I’m confined to my own body.

This nursery, with all its faults and glows, will be my home. The weight of my condition has been immense on my family, so I leave it to strangers to tend to my every need. It’s much quieter here, lonelier than I thought it would be. The money I made has very little meaning here. It’s almost as if it never happened. Being stuck with myself for company, these thoughts come naturally as I look back on my life. I am glad I accomplished so much, but I often wish I was in different company.

I remember a young man coming by to ask me a few questions. He was so nervous, but he tried to hide it to make himself feel more at ease. Regardless, I told him “Money’s no good in a place like this.” He had a spark in his eyes and became more comfortable after that. He came to enjoy my company and gathered an appreciation for the life I had to live. I felt the same way after because I was glad. I was glad I made a difference in his life, be it a minor one or not. I forgot how much I enjoyed other’s company, and I felt a sense of catharsis when he left. I still had the potential to do so much even my age and condition. Perhaps life is never as lonely as it seems. My hands may be shaken with nerves, but they still have the ability to create and give.

(Thank you, Dwight. -Tim)

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